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EffThatGuy

Louis CK is painfully relatable. I relate to him and I am the complete and total opposite of him. I am a single, black female in her 20’s, with no children. Yet some how, I find myself watching his TV shows and standup, feeling like he is is my best friend. He is brutally honest about the world around him, and that is something I connect to. It was somewhere between feeling pity for him and his amazing ability to fuck up every good opportunity that comes into his life, and adoring his dopey hazel eyes that i realized I’d totally bone him if given the chance. For sneaking a crush under the door and into my life, I say Eff you Louis CK.

Here at the suite, we love ourselves some men. Particularly intelligent, charismatic, attractive men who destroy our lives and make us question our very existence. They usually have charming smiles and sparkly eyes that could charm the pants off Condoleezza Rice. But every once in a while we find ourselves attracted to a less “traditional” style of male. Like a divorced, balding father of two.

He’s gotta know that a man that can raise and protect two little girls is disgustingly sexy.

If you aren’t familiar with Louis CK, I suggest moving the rock from whence you crawled, and enlightening yourself. He hilarious, incredibly witty, and insightful. Its hard not to melt while watching him look after his daughters on his hit show Louie. Week after week you see him in awkward situations ranging from dating, bizarre sexual encounters, and trying to find work as a comedian while staying true to himself.  It was after Episode 6 of season 2, where he confesses his love for his friend Pamela, that i officially wanted to hurl my box of chocolates, Elle Woods style at the TV and shout at his beautiful transition into my heart as an official crush. View that magic through a shitty Youtube vid here:

And as if watching him be all loveable and exposed on his TV show wasn’t enough,  he has taken on Ticketmaster and their bullying ways by booking a tour where they’re not involved…meaning no crazy service charges! Swoooon. He also took on pirating, by selling his Beacon theater special for FIVE BUCKS. After making a million dollar profit, he personally wrote a letter to his fans, letting him know just what he was doing with that money. He used a quarter of it to pay for what the special and his website cost to produce, a quarter of it went to bonuses for his staff, a little more than a quarter went to charities, and he kept a little less than a quarter for himself. Lets just throw this into the pot of Louis-is-awesome-stew: he seems to lack greed, which puts him into a category with mother Teresa as far as I’m concerned.

Fuck off Ticketmaster!

Little known fact: Louis is actually Mexican, and Spanish was his first language. I am waiting with baited breath for him to bust out some Spanish during an interview, or hell, even do a special in Spanish. Louis, if you are reading this, please make this happen. I can hear the sound of panties dropping now. But more importantly Louie, keep doing what you’re doing. Its your raw, fearlessly honest perspective, that always leaves us wanting more.

Today, on a very special edition of EffThatGuy: Tom Motherfucking Hiddleston.

Tom Hiddleston smiling

Tom Hiddleston being casually sexy

Tom Hiddleston as Loki

I mean, if he asked me to kneel, I’d probably do it. Sorry, Captain America.

Of course, The Avengers was the greatest movie of all time ever. It was well-written and well-directed and lovely to look at, and it had a lot of other positive elements, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that much of my enjoyment came from the fact that EVERYONE IN THAT MOVIE IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING OH MY GOD.

While the Chrisses (Hemsworth and Evans), R.D.J. and Jeremy Renner are all incomparable in their own ways, the girls and I have been living and breathing Hiddleston-love. Really, there has never been anyone not named Ryan Gosling who has unified us so intensely on the issue of bang-ability. In honor of our mutual enthusiasm, I have decided to take this installment to the next level and extoll Tom’s virtues not through prose, but through song.

As previous posts have indicated, The Social Network uprooted my life mancandy-wise (and don’t worry, we’ll be getting around to my very favorite little Jewfroed life-ruiner one of these Mondays). But the most surprising new celebrity crush that arose from my many, many viewings of this film was the lovely and talented Armie Hammer, who unfortunately is not really twins.

Armie Hammer is so good at posing

Hey girl, stick with me and I'll teach you how to pose casually for photo shoots.

Armie—short for “Armand,” which suits him a lot better, in my opinion, because he looks like the guy on the cover of a historical romance novel—does not fit my normal celeb crush profile. As my girls here at the Suite know, my tastes do not normally run to the heavily muscled or the traditionally handsome; in fact, classical square-jawed golden-boy good looks tend to bore me. I was done with Sam Worthington before I even knew how bad his acting was. (And seriously, can we stop casting him as an American yet? He’s clearly been tired of covering his Aussie accent since like halfway through Avatar.)

So instead of longing for typical leading men, I tend to get hung up on fey, skinny hipsters whose jeans are five sizes smaller than mine… which is a real logistics issue that I’m not going to worry about because my love life is 100% imaginary.

Anyway. Armie is a 6’5” honest-to-god Disney prince of a human being, and resisting him is futile. Maybe it’s his gentle blue eyes, which appear incapable of irony or deception. Maybe it’s the way he lets his face go all crinkly when he smiles, or that his voice is so deep and pure that it sounds like molasses running off a solid-gold soup ladle.

Armie Hammer is a Disney Prince

Okay, so I don't have Photoshop. Sandy's the one with Photoshop. What do you want from me. Shut up.

But what’s really unfair about Armie is that he’s a beautiful Disney prince on the inside, too. He’s genuinely funny, warm, and charming in every interview, he’s great to his costars, and he’s a hard worker—I mean my God, do you even know all the technical bullshit that this kid had to go through to shoot those Winklevoss scenes?

In addition, Armie is so irresistible that he managed to occasionally come between the greatest bromance of our era.

Armie IS invited to the bromance

I don't even care why this is happening.

And yeah, maybe J. Edgar isn’t doing so hot with the critics (it’s a Communist conspiracy, probably). But Armie’s performance as Hoover’s almost-boyfriend Clyde Tolson is just beautiful—gentle, emotional, and raw enough at times to pull a few embarrassingly-audible sobs from me in the theater. If he doesn’t get an Oscar nod for this, I’m going to drive to LA and throw a rock through Tom Sherak’s windshield.

On top of that, in an interview with New York MagazineArmie gives one of my favorite responses ever to the annoying, overplayed, vaguely homophobic question of OMG WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO HAVE TO KISS A BOY IN THIS MOVIE?

“It just felt like kissing,” says Hammer. “I also had to shoot a machine gun in the movie, but nobody asks about that.”

YES. A BILLION POINTS TO ARMIE HAMMER. Even though there aren’t really two of him, he’s still too much for me. And not even that sure-to-be excruciating Mirror, Mirror movie can take away my love for him. Such is the power of his undeniable awesomeness.

Armie Hammer questionable photo shoot

Look at this. What is he even wearing. Who cares.

Armie Hammer, fairy-tale prince of Hollywood. He can do no wrong. EffThatGuy.

It’s almost that time of year again: turkey in the oven, cranberries on the stove, and a stinging red handprint on your face. That’s right. IT’S SLAPSGIVING, BITCHES.

(If you don’t understand this reference, then for God’s sake go watch How I Met Your Mother right this minute. All of it. I’ll wait).

And in honor of this magical holiday—and the release of The Muppets on Wednesday—this Monday’s EffThatGuy is dedicated to everyone’s favorite cuddly comedian, the endlessly-lovable Jason Segel.

Jason Segel by a window

OH MY GOD I WANT TO CUDDLE HIM SO HARD.

Jason Segel isn’t really a sex symbol, in the traditional sense. I didn’t really see him for the first time and have an uncontrollable desire to, say, tackle him and bite his neck like a lioness taking down a gazelle. (This is pretty much what happened with Andrew Garfield, who will hopefully never read this.)

But he’s got a sexiness that sneaks up on you. I don’t care how stereotypically female it makes me: I am turned on by talent, sweetness, and sincerity, and Jason’s got the market cornered on all of these. He has admitted in countless interviews that he’s obsessed with puppets, and that his home is full of them. Maybe it’s a testament to his innate adorableness that this comes off as charming rather than creepy.

Shh, don't tell him Kermit's not real. You'll ruin this beautiful moment.

His go-big-or-go-home commitment to his comedy makes for some fantastic characters, who are always hilarious and heartwarming in equal measure. Best of all, these performances tend to be accentuated by the occasional homemade musical number. I strongly suspect that Forgetting Sarah Marshall began as a vehicle for his puppet Dracula musical A Taste for Love. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

He’s also shown on numerous occasions that he has no problem sticking his tongue into other dudes’ mouths, which for me is always a plus (look, don’t judge my weird fascinations and I won’t judge yours, okay?)

    

Get it, Jason.

Even though he’s freaking gigantic at 6’4”, he smiles and he’s suddenly the least intimidating human on the planet. You just want to hug him and bake him cookies, and then marry him and have kids and start a family puppet band inspired by Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

(Plus, we all saw him go full-frontal in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and, well… not bad. At all.)

But this whole Muppet movie thing has really pushed him over the edge of the cuteness threshold into UNBEARABLY PRECIOUS territory. He not only co-wrote the script, but was one of the driving forces behind the entire project. He told Entertainment Weekly that he pitched the idea to Disney back in 2005, and continued to mention it on talk shows as a way to pressure the studio into making a decision:

“I was like, ‘I either want a yes or a no, so I’m just going to announce we’re making a movie and if you guys want to say we’re not, go for it.’ Check.

Basically, he loved the Muppets so much, that for years he made it his surprisingly-aggressive mission to give the world another Muppet movie. He still cares about his childhood dreams, and how can you not love him like crazy for that?!

Oh, Jason Segel. EffThatGuy, for setting my husband standards impossibly high.

And if anyone reading this is a nerdy giant guy who likes puppets and can play the piano, well, you can be the Kermit to my Miss Piggy any day. Except, you know, with less violence and without the creepy interspecies connotations.

This edition of EffThatGuy is a bit more personal than the others, and thus, a bit meatier.

Once upon a time, there was a young boy named Donald. He lived life straddling the fence between black and white culture, never quite fitting in with either. But Donald had a dream, he had goals and every intention of becoming the star he knew himself to be. Little did little Donald know, that in the process of getting out his dreams he would ruin my fucking life. 

There was a time when I lived my life straddling that same fence, aimlessly wandering, wondering when anyone besides my siblings would be able to relate to me. I got ridiculous comments on my hair, the fact that I have a dad, my speech patterns, the fact that I wasn’t mixed but still “like white people stuff” – everything that my white friends viewed as atypical for a black girl. I was blessed with two incredible older siblings, and the three of us lived in our own world where our love of indie music and film, our unbroken family and our ability to enunciate didn’t make us a novelty. It was a painful way to grow up, but I appreciated the perspective it gave me and so would not have traded it for anything.

Despite how awkward and awful it was feeling like an outsider pretty much everywhere I went, I was somewhat content to go through my life believing that 1) Black guys found me attractive, but too bizarre to relate to and so would not date me, and 2) That the only black guy who liked the same things as me was my brother, so I would probably end up in an interracial relationship (which I couldn’t give less of a f%$!  about but comes with an awful set of politics in the black community).

And then one day about a year ago my friend played me a song by Childish Gambino, and MY MOTHERF@#!ING WORLD WAS SHATTERED.

-“Who the hell is this?!”

-“What?”

-“WHO THE FUCK IS THIS MIRACLE GOD SINGING AND RAPPING MY LIFE TO ME, RODNEY?!?!”

I felt like Roberta Flack, and Childish Gambino was singing my life with his words.

And it didn’t end there. Turns out that this was someone I was already crazy about. Donald Glover, actor and comedian. Not only did he already have three albums and two mixtapes out, thereby shaming my inner hipster, but they all echoed my life back to me. I could write a few quippy, fun paragraphs talking about this man’s accomplishments, but they’re astounding so I’m just going to list them out instead:

  • Award-winning writer. He wrote for 30 Rock immediately after graduating from NYU (my dream school, it’s a long story why I didn’t actually go to school there)
  • Member of sketch comedy group Derrick Comedy, creators of Mystery Team, one of the funn(i)est movies made in the last 10 years
  • Stand up comedian
  • Actor (plays Troy Barnes on Community, the funniest show on television)
  • Prolific Musician (see above and also THIS AMAZING SHIT)
  • FASHION ICON 

No, Donald. More naughty.

He’s only 28. And then he has lyrics like this:

Yes, I’m drinking whiskey
Baby, I am gone tonight
NBC is not the only thing I’m comin’ on tonight

Now sure, that’s nasty, but it’s also so damn clever. Cleverness is my greatest aphrodisiac. That and being upfront about being sexual, so my clothes were halfway off the first time I saw him perform this song. And then he follows it up with lyrics like this:

I am feeling more alone than I ever have felt before
I wanna pick up the phone, ask my dad how to handle it
But what will happen when my dad’s not there to answer it?

I could write about all the hot lyrics he has about girls and sex, but in reality, it’s lyrics like these that make me wanna jump his bones. Who can’t relate to that lyric? And what’s hotter than someone, without provocation, admitting to something that is resoundingly true for you as well?

Just to drive home how much he fits the description of my dream guy, he does this thing with his teeth when he talks that I’ve eternally had a thing for. I felt like Sandra Bullock in Practical Magic meeting the man with one green eye and one blue the first time I saw him speak.

So yeah he’s super successful and intelligent and likes all the same things as me which I thought was impossible. He’s exposed but also not afraid to be goofy and ridiculous. Not only is he everything I wanted and thought couldn’t exist he’s, like, KING OF IT ALL. He turned my world upside down, I can’t set it straight and I can never have him. Great, so he’s ruining my life. And then I saw him live.

……………………………………… O__O

Congratulations, Childish, on your incredible new album, Camp, out tomorrow. But seriously, EFFTHISGUY.

But Gambino, just in case you were wondering, I’m a black girl with natural hair who keeps up with her tumblr. So get at me.

Just like there is a girl version of a bro, there is a girl version of a douche. Her name is Ke$ha.

I mean, just look at her.

Or maybe she's just a woo girl.

She paints glitter all over her face. Her clothes are “artfully” disheveled. She gleefully espouses the party lifestyle. She describes herself as “hot and dangerous.” She has killed at least 75 chickens to obtain the ridiculous amount of feathers she threads into her hair. She is like a super sparkly hipster who has an unhealthy obsession with whiskey and Mick Jagger.

What is he even doing?

I mean, I guess they'd be a cute couple...

Even though she has a decent voice, Ke$ha relies almost entirely on talk-singing and autotune, imploring her listeners to “take it off,” preferably in a club that has dirt and glitter on the floor (but then, what club doesn’t?). When she’s not stomping through a club fighting until she sees the sunlight or insisting that she’s a a superstar, she’s strolling through the Sonoran desert of California, surrounded by various animals from the African Sahara. Really? I’m all about convergent evolution, but elephants and Joshua trees simply do not exist side-by-side.

Guys, I used to be her most vocal opponent. When one of her songs came on the radio, I’d immediately switch stations. When my friends and I went to Vegas last year, I banned Tik Tok from our iPods. I laughed at her inane lyrics and wondered why she felt obligated to clarify that she had a pedicure on her toes. Where else would she get a pedicure? Her face?

I was fine with this. I was content to hate on the hot mess of a party girl blowing up the charts. Until one night, after imbibing maybe a few too many jello shots and quickly on the road to becoming a bit of a hot mess myself, I found myself singing along. To Tik Tok. And dancing. And LOVING IT.

She's just tryna get a little bit tipsy...

The party don't start til she walks in. I'm serious.

The same thing happened with Your Love Is My Drug. By the time Take It Off was released, I had given up. You guys, Ke$ha embodies and espouses the “freshman in college” experience. I think we can all relate to her lyric

And now we’re lookin’ like pimps in my gold Trans Am. Got a water bottle full of whiskey in my handbag. Got my drunk text on, I’ll regret it in the morning but tonight I don’t give a…

…and you guys? Neither do I. I can’t help it. She just speaks to the part of me that wants to wear ripped jeans and put feathers in my hair and smear glitter on my face and get trashed all the time. She makes me wish I were a hot, hot mess.

Her pants ARE pretty cool...

Seriously, EffThatGuy.

The following was written by a good friend of the Suite’s. Thanks, Megan, for being our first guest blogger! 

First, a limerick for you.

There once was a man named Rob
Who undoubtedly had a huge knob
He opened his mouth
Cleverness spilled out
And he made the girls’ little hearts throb

Once upon a time in Ireland, a lovely man and a lovely woman went heels to Jesus (Jaysus?) and nine months later, a prodigy was born. This prodigy’s name was Robert Sheehan… and of course, by ‘prodigy’ I mean ass(arse?)hole because I’m supposed to be pretending to hate him.

robert sheehan

But he makes it so hard to hate him, even in faux-indignation. And for that… fuck this motherfucker (though not in the Oedipal sense).

Robert Sheehan, the face that spawned many a Tumblr gif. Thanks to the popularity of the brilliantly-penned British television series Misfits, this Irish lad’s expressive, behemoth-eyebrow’d face has probably graced your computer screen (or at least, it has if you’re an Internet nerd and let’s face it – if you’re reading this blog, I’m about 93% certain you are) in its animated glory.  Seriously. Google Image search ‘robert sheehan gif’ and click away – it’s a (pot o’) goldmine. Yes, the racist parentheses’d Irishisms will continue through the duration of this post.

robert sheehan gifI like the way ya move.

Like fellow actors Cillian Murphy and Colin Farrell before him, Robert speaks with the lyricism that only the Irish accent provides, lilting and with a hint of puckish irreverence. And irreverent, Sheehan is. Go ahead. Google him. Marvel at the inappropriateness of his hilarious comments. Truly one who has kissed the blarney stone, he has a way with words. O the cleverness of him! He carries himself with a sort of Peter Pan-esque unabashed confidence with an energy that is undeniably infectious – a quality that will certainly make him a (hearts) star(s and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons).

But enough with the Irish comments. You get it. He comes from the Land of U2. But what else should you know about this disgustingly awesome dickhead? He’s got a type of nerdy charismatic swagga, like a smarter Shia LaBeouf pre-douchebag reveal. He’s fucking entertaining. And probably the type of guy who’d be fun to chill with anywhere – from getting a beer to something as dull as going to the supermarket. Or at least, that’s how it is in my Head Movies.

One whose profile is on the rise, Robert has graduated from his well-loved portrayal of Misfit’s Nathan Young to various film roles, most recently in a co-starring role with Ben Barnes in Killing Bono. What’s that? You don’t recognize him? Keep an eye out, because you will. In fact, start telling all your friends about him now, ‘cause in a couple of years you can very hipster-ly say, “I liked him before he became mainstream.”

Damn you, Robert, for not being in Misfits season three. A giant Sheehan-sized hole remains. Because of this (and the fact that you’ll never part my beef curtains), I have deduced that all unhappiness in my life can be attributed to you.

I want to EffThatGuy.

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