Author Archives: Sparkles Glitterati

Louis CK is painfully relatable. I relate to him and I am the complete and total opposite of him. I am a single, black female in her 20’s, with no children. Yet some how, I find myself watching his TV shows and standup, feeling like he is is my best friend. He is brutally honest about the world around him, and that is something I connect to. It was somewhere between feeling pity for him and his amazing ability to fuck up every good opportunity that comes into his life, and adoring his dopey hazel eyes that i realized I’d totally bone him if given the chance. For sneaking a crush under the door and into my life, I say Eff you Louis CK.

Here at the suite, we love ourselves some men. Particularly intelligent, charismatic, attractive men who destroy our lives and make us question our very existence. They usually have charming smiles and sparkly eyes that could charm the pants off Condoleezza Rice. But every once in a while we find ourselves attracted to a less “traditional” style of male. Like a divorced, balding father of two.

He’s gotta know that a man that can raise and protect two little girls is disgustingly sexy.

If you aren’t familiar with Louis CK, I suggest moving the rock from whence you crawled, and enlightening yourself. He hilarious, incredibly witty, and insightful. Its hard not to melt while watching him look after his daughters on his hit show Louie. Week after week you see him in awkward situations ranging from dating, bizarre sexual encounters, and trying to find work as a comedian while staying true to himself.  It was after Episode 6 of season 2, where he confesses his love for his friend Pamela, that i officially wanted to hurl my box of chocolates, Elle Woods style at the TV and shout at his beautiful transition into my heart as an official crush. View that magic through a shitty Youtube vid here:

And as if watching him be all loveable and exposed on his TV show wasn’t enough,  he has taken on Ticketmaster and their bullying ways by booking a tour where they’re not involved…meaning no crazy service charges! Swoooon. He also took on pirating, by selling his Beacon theater special for FIVE BUCKS. After making a million dollar profit, he personally wrote a letter to his fans, letting him know just what he was doing with that money. He used a quarter of it to pay for what the special and his website cost to produce, a quarter of it went to bonuses for his staff, a little more than a quarter went to charities, and he kept a little less than a quarter for himself. Lets just throw this into the pot of Louis-is-awesome-stew: he seems to lack greed, which puts him into a category with mother Teresa as far as I’m concerned.

Fuck off Ticketmaster!

Little known fact: Louis is actually Mexican, and Spanish was his first language. I am waiting with baited breath for him to bust out some Spanish during an interview, or hell, even do a special in Spanish. Louis, if you are reading this, please make this happen. I can hear the sound of panties dropping now. But more importantly Louie, keep doing what you’re doing. Its your raw, fearlessly honest perspective, that always leaves us wanting more.

I’m a 27 year old adult female that is mildly obsessed with societies recent fascination with vampires and mythical creatures. Vampires, Werewolves, fairies, wizards, witches and goblins.  Not one ounce of shame or fucks are given to anyone that has a condescending finger to point in my direction. It is my guilty pleasure, and I loooove it. Recently, while watching an Episode of Being Human (shout our to Sam Witwer’s mouth) I was hit with an epiphany. Werewolves are real. Allow me to explain.

His mouth is a thing of beauty.

Werewolves aren’t the way we hear about them in stories. They are very real, but transform into a different kind of monster. Werewolves are females during their period. The comparisons that can be drawn between a menstruating female and a werewolf are endless.  I could just stop at the word bitch, which I frequently feel like on my period, and oddly enough means female dog; but lets dig a bit deeper and evaluate the facts: a werewolf is a being who once a month, because of the cycle of the moon, uncontrollably transforms into a beast not fit for society.  These beasts are looked upon as dangerous predators, when unfortunately were probably helpless victims, thrown into a cursed life, no choice in looking back. For the duration of their lives, they are controlled by the cycle of the moon, powerless to stop these transformations. Sound familiar?!

Women, like werewolves, had no say in the curse that is their monthly cycle. Once a month, caused completely by forces outside of their control, women become something else. they become a much more temperamental, emotional, and sometimes volatile version of themselves.

I for one know that during my period, I don’t like the person that I become. I become a complete beast. I’m hungry all the time, cant seem to get enough sleep, and don’t even think of crossing me. A few days out the month, for my good and the good of those around me, I hide away in my room with a heating pad, plenty of Midol and pickle chips, and sweet tea. When I feel the edge of the sting of reckless emotions and physical pain start to wear off, I’ll text my poor boyfriend and let him know its safe to come around again.

Calming the beast one chip at a time.

As the full moon passes, and the shedding of the uterus lining comes to a close, we begin to regain the being in its true form, whom we have come to love, and miss so much. We cling on the the things that we love about this being, lest we be driven away by their scary alter egos.

Just to clarify, in a literal sense I do not believe that females are werewolves. And as much as I’d love for mythical creatures to be real, sadly I have not had an experience yet in my life to prove that to be true. But where ever and when ever the myth of the werewolf came to be, it is my belief that it was probably inspired by a menstruating female. And that seems pretty cool to me.

I woke up this morning feeling angry at the world, and wanting to be a jerk. But after further thought, I realized that would be too easy. I like a good challenge.

It’s all too easy nowadays to be a jerk.  Guys dick you over, girls talk shit, why not just join them? Hey, if you end up hurting someone it’s OK ’cause you were hurt first. And it was bound to happen. Everyone’s gotta get jaded at some point, right? The fact that they were walking around, hearts pure, ready for love, ready for genuine friendship just shows how much of a sucker they are. They had it comin’. Sorry, super sweet dude I met after my break up. I’m too fucked up from my last relationship to notice how awesome you are. So I’m just gonna string you along and play with your emotions a bit, all in the name of “getting my mojo back”, K? You perpetuate the cycle you spend so much time complaining about, but somehow its OK?

WRONG. It’s time to take ownership of our emotions, make our best attempt to control them, and make responsible adult decisions when it comes to our emotions and the situations that we get into. Bad things happening to you DOES NOT give you the right to pass that negativity onto someone else. Life is somehow balanced in its own fucked-up-we-don’t-quite-get-it-way, and that gross energy that you put out WILL COME BACK TO YOU. I’d like to declare 2012 the year of “I’m on my grown woman shit,” meaning lets take complete ownership of our actions. It’s OK to care about the feelings of someone else that maybe hasn’t quite “earned” it just yet. I’m not saying date everyone that wants to date you, or allow yourself to get walked all over. Just be nice. Be honest. That’s def hard nowadays, but hey, if everyone else jumped off a bridge would you? Take the alternate route. Be different by GIVING A FUCK. Taking ownership and extending compassion to those around you doesnt always mean that everyone ends up happy and with what they want. But you will sleep better at night knowing that the asshole buck stopped with you. That in some way by STOPPING negativity, you have helped positivity to grow. And that, to me, makes the hard work all worth it.

Fashion is fun on its own. Bows, shoes, coveted bags. But there’s an added treat. THE MALE MODEL. Chiseled, tall, with glowing skin and perfect teeth, the male model has won the jackpot of genetics. Usually seen accompanying a larger than life, perfect female, male models are the icing on the fuck-your-life-cake. Whether spread across the glossy pages of international fashion magazines, or covering the fashion week runways with swagger to spare, male models are the ultimate eye candy. With so many to choose from, it’s hard to choose whose existence is ruining my life more. But here are just a few that are ruling the runways and glossy mag pages and getting lack-luster boyfriends dumped left and right.

Cole Mohr

This 25 year old bad boy is quite popular on the pages of Tumblr. Its not hard to see why once you see his perfect jaw, amazing head of hair and those famous tattoos.

Ay dios mio! I can barely even stand to look at this picture!

Francisco Lachowski

This brazilian born model is an object for lust American women and designers alike. He has appeared in GQ and Vogue and rocked campaigns for Lacoste, Armani Exchange and Dior.

Sebastian Suave

Personally one of my favs, this American-born, English-raised eye treat has features to die for. If I stare at his mouth long enough, I find myself drifting off into my happy place.

 I hope that looking at these gorgeous specimens makes you as happy as it makes me. With so many amazing male models out there to choose from, who are some of your favs?


Watching Jesse Pinkman’s transformation from the dopey chili powder meth cooking loser into the in-demand drug lord who wears sexy leather jackets has been quite the ride.

I began watching Breaking Bad years back when the show first started, but have since been distracted by life. Seeing it in my Netflix instant queue was like a gift from the gods, and it wasn’t long before I was counting down the hours until I could leave work and glue my eyes to the screen.

There’s no doubt that life threw Walter White a shit storm of curve balls. He’s an over-qualified high school chemistry teacher with a 40-year-old pregnant wife and a 15-year-old son with special needs—and to top it all off, he is also diagnosed with stage three lung cancer.

I have stage three cancer and my wife is preggo so I'm gonna get a job in a super dangerous field, k guys?

We’re so busy freaking out for Walter that it doesn’t seem to hit us that Jesse seems to have it pretty bad too. His family has disowned him, the only relative that cared about him died of cancer, his friends are getting killed, and his girlfriend overdoses on drugs RIGHT NEXT TO HIM AS HE SLEEPS. But, its through these chain of events that the dopey baggy clothes “Yo, yo, yo, bitch” boy we’ve grown accustomed to transforms into a badass MAN before our very eyes.

Yo yo yo let's go get high, bitch. It would be Kafkaesque.

A sexy bad ass man.

Its amazing what a leather jacket can do.

If you’re like me, you were pretty turned off by scenes of Jesse fucking that meth whore in season one. He’s pretty cute, why is he sleeping with her?! And when he was snuggling in bed with Jane during season two, you found yourself a tad bit jelly. Then, when he runs to kill Gale to save Walter’s life in season 3, its official. He’s won your heart, and also a trip into your pants.

Despite getting the shit kicked out of him numerous times, having run-ins with the DEA and dangerous gangs, Jesse Pinkman has not only managed to keep his head above water, but grow some hair on his chest as well. He remains startlingly loyal to Walter (despite the fact that Walter treats him like garbage, which really pisses me off btw), manages to maintain some sense of a moral compass, and even falls in love again. So I raise my glass (or my panties, it’s your call Jesse) to you, Jesse Pinkman, for becoming the sexy, manly, in charge BOSS that you have become, and I can’t WAIT to see you get even more badass in season 5.

I like to describe dating as a safari: beautiful, scenic, and scary as fuck if you don’t watch your back, ’cause there’s a motherfucking lion, and oh shit he’s about to pounce! Everybody say a prayer! RIP self confidence, you just got mauled to death.

Wait, so you're not available to date and maybe fall in love with?

You hit it off with a guy. It seems too good to be true. He’s handsome, successful, funny, and STD free! You’re ready to get wifed up, when he drops the halfway gf bomb on you. Or even worse, you stumble on the pile of shit that is the halfway gf by accident, or through word of mouth.

Thanks a lot facebook.

Quick definition of the halfway girlfriend: he’s in an undefinable relationship with someone who isn’t quite his girlfriend, but she definitely prevents him from being actually available.This halfway significant other thing (in my humble opinion) is a way of saying “This city is lonely, I’m lonely, I don’t want to be totally alone, but this bitch ain’t the one I wanna put a ring on. So we’ll do fun couple things like hold hands in central park, take evasive could-be-couple pictures, but when the drinks start flowin, and she’s outta town, I’m still “technically” single!!!”

But what’s fun to you can be dangerous for others. Example: You use this time to hit up that cutie Molly you met at that party, and Molly is stoked cause she thinks you’re finally single! And the morning after you two screw, you tell her you and Larissa “are in a complicated sitch, and don’t really
have a title”. She’ll act totally cool, and tell you it’s fine cause she’s got so many things on her plate right now, and last night was perfect, just what she needed. But you know what, she’s lying. She is gonna bitch to her girlfriends later that night over cheap red wine about how much of a douche you are. She might even cry.

He's such a douche-slut!

There’s not enough people out there calling these halfsie motherfuckers out. You’re either in the dating pool – this filthy, grimy dating pool – with the rest of us or you’re not. This isn’t some only-a-toe-in-the-water shit. Being in a committed relationship, swinging on occasion, or being with someone all the way but having a threesome from time to time is a different story. I don’t know much about that world, but it seems like there is somewhat of an honor system set up with rules and honesty, and none of this “she’s not really my gf “ stuff. My point being, take a stand. Be honest. And more importantly, don’t drag other people through your I’m-young-I-just-wanna-have-fun-so-I’m-gonna-act-like-no-one-has-feelings-and-sleep-my-way-through-the-city garbage. I’m not saying don’t sleep around. I’m not saying don’t have fun. I’m just advocating honesty. As much as possible. We can’t all walk around with halos being all Jim Carrey a la Liar Liar, but we can respect our fellow man by being straight up.

Maybe you shouldn't trust him...

You may be having your cake and eating it too. But you know what? That shit doesn’t last forever, ’cause while Larissa was out of town, she was visiting a potential all-the-way bf and is prob gonna move to Portland to be with him.

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