It has been entirely too long since my last update, and so I am now here to share with you a very special episode of New York City: That Shit Cray(-Cray). It is to commemorate OFFICIALLY the CRAZIEST FUCKING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. Is that statement dramatic? Yes. 100% true and 100% warranted? Even more so.
Episode 4: Did You See What I Just Saw? Wait, Hang On I’m Taking A Picture. No Seriously. YEAH, SERIOUSLY.
For those of you unaware of the intricacies of my job (everyone ever), I work in advertising. At the time of this story, I was working on a spirits/events brand, which means: lots of free booze! lots of fun after work parties! And on this particular day, lots of nudity, amputation and unanswered questions.
One of our spirits brands was having a series of Managed Bar Nights, which means we go to a few bars in the same area, we change the theme of the bar to suit our brand, and give out free cocktails for 2-3 hours (seriously be on the lookout for those, they’re awesome). This particular series was set in the Meatpacking District (yay cobblestone! boo stilettos!). When the events ended, myself and a few co-workers went for dinner, thoroughly buzzed.
After dinner, myself, my co-worker and a friend of hers decided to hang out at a bar not far from the restaurant. As we walked, we came upon this most unusual scene.
Next to a bar that was populated but not busy, is an apartment building. Sitting on the outside step of the alcove door to this apartment building is a homeless man. He is completely naked. He is also missing his right leg above the knee. While this all sank in very quickly for us, what made us go back and openly gape at this man was this: In his right hand, he held a disposable lighter, which was lit. In his left hand, he held his nuts. Yes. His ballsack. He was BURNING HIS NUTS WITH THIS LIGHTER, YOU GUYS. ON A WELL-POPULATED SIDE WALK.
TAKE A MINUTE TO LET THAT SINK IN. I’LL WAIT.
After the event there was a small disagreement about this. While my co-worker’s friend claimed this homeless man was burning the most giant of balls ever, my co-worker and I believed he HAD NONE, and was instead burning/cauterizing some type of….wound or scar? That’s right folks. We saw no trace of any type of genitalia.
Of course being the awful human being I am, I whirled around to take a photo. This sorcerer somehow got underwear on in the .5 seconds it took for me to pass him, then make that decision, so I ended up with a blurry cell phone photo of a man in underwear and a pink hoodie. But that’s probably for the best because now no one can prove how evil of a human being I am.
There were two young men standing just on the corner away from the alcove, just staring at him. Apparently, they had called the cops because they lived in this building and were unable to get inside. Yeesh.
Someone tell me, how the fuck do you continue your night after that? The only solution I could come up with was to continue drinking across the street and watch as the cops came and kicked the man off the stoop. That worked pretty well. I’m a terrible person.