We’re Predators, Not Puppies

This is not as weird as it looks, I swear

Ok, truth: watching The Vampire Diaries has turned me into a less-than-trusting television viewer. I cannot trust new characters’ supposed intentions because they so often prove to be false. I cannot watch tense encounters between pseudo-enemies without worrying that one of them has a weapon of some kind and is stealthily preparing to use it. I cannot watch two characters share the frame without fearing they will make out – actually, I can’t watch intimate encounters at all without fearing another person is somehow adversely affected by the actions on screen (this has been a long year of yelling “What about so-and-so?!”). In fact, this distrust often manifests itself in resounding cheers and boos, or over-exaggerated “Nooooo”’s and “YEEEESSSSS”’s. In the effort to take this recap back to its by-the-minute reaction roots, I present the best-remembered list of “No!” and “Yes!” moments from last week’s “Break On Through”

Yes! The other half of the cast returned from hiatus this week. I missed Caroline and Bonnie.

No! The cast is really in thirds, and the missing one is made up of Tyler, Jeremy, and the Original brothers. I just want all my boys back, is that so much to ask?

YES! Bonnie is choosing her mom over Elena’s crazy. Sometimes you need a second to evaluate your nuclear family’s catastrophe before moving over to somebody else’s…

NO! Elena’s crazy is really Alaric’s, come back Bonnie! We need you.

Yes! Dr. Fell being a doctor means access to all-important MRI equipment.

NO! I have lost any ability to figure out the new-character twists on this show. I just knew Meredith’s “I’m ever-so-helpful” act was a front for potential crazy (She was One Tree Hill’s Nanny Carrie! She chased a child through a corn field with a shovel!)

Yes! Elena and Stefan’s interactions are still hella awkward. I like their scenes with a bit of edge, especially when he’s trying to help her and she’s not having it.

NO! Elena needs to stop making this about Stefan being a vampire. We were over this the day we heard the premise of this show. She was over this that time she slept with him after seeing his game face, which was before she started making eyes at his brother, which was after said brother killed her brother. Read the recap title, Elena.

Yes! Caroline got Jaime to go back in the house. Love Caroline.

NO! This “not related” thing with Jaime and Bonnie is beginning to seriously skeeve me out. I’m a full supporter of male objectification but this is feels more “He’s brown, you’re brown, it’s awesome!” than “Ohmygod his eyes. Get it.” Obviously this does not refer to his later interactions with Caroline, but I object to that for different reasons (tylertylertylerklaus)

YES! Damon and Alaric at town events is always a good time, especially now that Originals like Rebecca (and overall OGs like Sage) are attendees

YES! Sage brings the flirty side of Damon out to play, making her superior to Parsley, Rosemary, and Thyme by a mile (The less said about “Rose”mary, the better). I love him having a true partner in crime (that shower conference was genius, from both sexy and soundproofing standpoints)

No! I know, I know, Rebecca’s an Original, and the Originals are very much dangerous to our beloved Scrappy gang, but did Damon’s seduction of Rebecca feel a little Cruel Intentions to anyone else?

Yes! Damon pointed out that Finn is the lame, suicidal Original. It had to be said.

NO! Alaric is the killer, because the Gilbert ring is a Jekyll-Hyde Horcrux. I support the twist, and what it does for the earlier ghost storyline and the Damon-Alaric bromance, but Alaric’s romantic life could use a win here. Chasing your new girlfriend around the house with a knife is not progress.

Yes! Stefan was able to put the Ripper back in the box long enough to save Meredith. This is in fact the epitome of progress.

NO! Caroline left just long enough for Abby to bite Jaime (After all these transitions nobody knows to supervise initial visits with Muggles?)

Yes! Stressing witches’ connection to the earth was important to differentiating Abby’s turning from all these others. She’s lost a part of herself that has nothing to do with food or time, and in the flurry of transitions we’ve endured this season it’ s important to communicate that to the audience.

NO! This doesn’t mean she should leave her children. Good grief, I understand that this is turning into the year everyone grows up and gains perspective, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need their parents. This isn’t Dawson’s Creek , Williamson!

Yes! Elena finally broke down and called her only live blood relative. And he picked up! And we saw his end of the conversation!

No! Seeing his end of the conversation didn’t end with us seeing him in Mystic Falls/helping Tyler with his wolf issues/sitting in a car outside Abby’s house. Boooooo.

Yes! Bonnie and Elena finally thawed the ice between them. May Elena come through this Ice Age a better friend.

NO! Sage used Damon’s use of Rebecca to find out Wickery Bridge was created from the last remaining white oak pieces (Original kryptonite). Props to the new girl (she’s a girl in love, I can dig it) but this could be bad for our side…

Yes! …except Damon is brilliantly brilliant and kept The Sign (nice Chekov’s Gun, show!), so now we have stakes for the whole team!

This week: The Team uses the stakes! Looks like we’re “breaking on through” to plot progression. I for one am conflicted about them actually using the Wood of Mass Destruction against my favorite family of old-school crazies, but something’s gotta give.

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