Thanksgiving is come and gone, December 1st has passed, and we, my friends, are fully entrenched in the Christmas Music Season. I, for one, love this season. Songs about presents and happiness and love and joy with the occasional sleigh bell for percussion? Sign me up! There are, however, several Christmas songs that make me want to rip the radio right out of my car. Disclaimer: These are fully the sole opinions of Le Chocolat Nonpareil, not necessarily those held by the other SBSweets.
Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano
There are like five words in this whole song. Okay, maybe ten. Five in English, and five in Spanish. That is still not enough words to actually make a whole song, but no one thought to tell that to Senor Jose Feliciano. Instead, he warbles on for like seven minutes, saying the same ten words over and over and over until it is indelibly etched into my brain and I walk around humming and singing it all day. And that, my friends, is what makes this song truly horrifying – it gets stuck in your head for days. DAYS, I TELL YOU.
Do You Hear What I Hear by Noel Regney and Gloria Shayne Baker
This song really just does not make a lot of sense to me. I realize that it is a Christmas classic, and that saying you don’t like this song is like saying that you don’t like Christmas itself, but really, I get stuck on the lyrics. A star with a tail as big as a kite? This sentence needs clarification. Is it a really big kite? A star whose tail is as long as the tail of a kite? How long is the kite’s tail? I just can’t get over the really poor sentence structure. Call me picky, but it just ruins the whole song for me.
Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney
UGH. THIS SONG. The “dink dink dink” noise of the intro along with the horrifying lyrics “The choir of children sing their song, ding dong ding dong ding dong ding” SHOOT ME NOW. ‘Nuff said.
Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt
This song is just plain creepy. It is, essentially, a gold digger hoping that Santa Claus will be her sugar daddy. Ew. Asking for a diamond ring is one thing, but furs and yachts and a weirdly specific request for a light blue ’54 convertible is asking a little much. Just because he’s rich and magic doesn’t give you the right to take advantage of the Man in Red. If you’re old enough to ask for the deed to a platinum mine, you’re really too old to believe in Santa anyway.
Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer by Dr. Elmo
Okay. Really, the title of this song itself is explanation enough of why this song is the worst. But the lyrics just really push it over the line. Grandma gets drunk, forgets to take her meds, wanders out into a snowstorm and dies. The family, rather than get a nice Christmas, has to do a funeral instead, except for the dearly departed’s husband, who drinks beer and watches football like nothing happened. Really? This is a song we let children listen to? We thought it would be appropriate to make an animated Christmas special based on this song? Whose brilliant idea was that? Maybe the same person who greenlighted this next atrocity…
Christmas Shoes by Newsong
THIS SONG IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST SONG EVER. It is cheesy, and overly sentimental, and I’m pretty sure it utilizes every single horrible song cliche ever. Heartbreaking lyrics that tell a story of Christmas joy? Check. Choir of children singing the chorus a capella after the bridge? Check. Single child singing the last words of the song in order to wrench every last tear out of our grinchy hearts? CHECK. This song isn’t so much a song as much as straight-up emotional manipulation set to music. If I never heard this song again ever, it would be too soon.
So there you have it, the six worst songs of Christmas as chosen by me. Do you have any least favorite Christmas songs? Did I miss a glaringly obvious one? Let me know!