EffThatGuy: Armie Hammer, Prince of Handsomeville

As previous posts have indicated, The Social Network uprooted my life mancandy-wise (and don’t worry, we’ll be getting around to my very favorite little Jewfroed life-ruiner one of these Mondays). But the most surprising new celebrity crush that arose from my many, many viewings of this film was the lovely and talented Armie Hammer, who unfortunately is not really twins.

Armie Hammer is so good at posing

Hey girl, stick with me and I'll teach you how to pose casually for photo shoots.

Armie—short for “Armand,” which suits him a lot better, in my opinion, because he looks like the guy on the cover of a historical romance novel—does not fit my normal celeb crush profile. As my girls here at the Suite know, my tastes do not normally run to the heavily muscled or the traditionally handsome; in fact, classical square-jawed golden-boy good looks tend to bore me. I was done with Sam Worthington before I even knew how bad his acting was. (And seriously, can we stop casting him as an American yet? He’s clearly been tired of covering his Aussie accent since like halfway through Avatar.)

So instead of longing for typical leading men, I tend to get hung up on fey, skinny hipsters whose jeans are five sizes smaller than mine… which is a real logistics issue that I’m not going to worry about because my love life is 100% imaginary.

Anyway. Armie is a 6’5” honest-to-god Disney prince of a human being, and resisting him is futile. Maybe it’s his gentle blue eyes, which appear incapable of irony or deception. Maybe it’s the way he lets his face go all crinkly when he smiles, or that his voice is so deep and pure that it sounds like molasses running off a solid-gold soup ladle.

Armie Hammer is a Disney Prince

Okay, so I don't have Photoshop. Sandy's the one with Photoshop. What do you want from me. Shut up.

But what’s really unfair about Armie is that he’s a beautiful Disney prince on the inside, too. He’s genuinely funny, warm, and charming in every interview, he’s great to his costars, and he’s a hard worker—I mean my God, do you even know all the technical bullshit that this kid had to go through to shoot those Winklevoss scenes?

In addition, Armie is so irresistible that he managed to occasionally come between the greatest bromance of our era.

Armie IS invited to the bromance

I don't even care why this is happening.

And yeah, maybe J. Edgar isn’t doing so hot with the critics (it’s a Communist conspiracy, probably). But Armie’s performance as Hoover’s almost-boyfriend Clyde Tolson is just beautiful—gentle, emotional, and raw enough at times to pull a few embarrassingly-audible sobs from me in the theater. If he doesn’t get an Oscar nod for this, I’m going to drive to LA and throw a rock through Tom Sherak’s windshield.

On top of that, in an interview with New York MagazineArmie gives one of my favorite responses ever to the annoying, overplayed, vaguely homophobic question of OMG WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO HAVE TO KISS A BOY IN THIS MOVIE?

“It just felt like kissing,” says Hammer. “I also had to shoot a machine gun in the movie, but nobody asks about that.”

YES. A BILLION POINTS TO ARMIE HAMMER. Even though there aren’t really two of him, he’s still too much for me. And not even that sure-to-be excruciating Mirror, Mirror movie can take away my love for him. Such is the power of his undeniable awesomeness.

Armie Hammer questionable photo shoot

Look at this. What is he even wearing. Who cares.

Armie Hammer, fairy-tale prince of Hollywood. He can do no wrong. EffThatGuy.

3 comments
  1. Definitely agree with ALL of the above. A little painful to see him take part in that Julia Roberts Snow White movie… why ruin such a good streak, Armie? WHY?

    • He’s young, yet; maybe he thinks he hasn’t earned the right to only accept dignified roles. At any rate, I’m sure dressing up like a prince and waving a sword around in the same movie as Julia Roberts was a worthwhile life experience for him?

      Anyway, thanks for the comment! :)

      • Sure! I don’t blame him at all for the role. It’ll probably be a good move for him to be in a movie little girls can watch and swoon over. I just wish it looked better… then again, if I see it at all, it’ll be primarily because of him, so, well done.

%d bloggers like this: