EffThatGuy: I Am Thankful for Jason Segel

It’s almost that time of year again: turkey in the oven, cranberries on the stove, and a stinging red handprint on your face. That’s right. IT’S SLAPSGIVING, BITCHES.

(If you don’t understand this reference, then for God’s sake go watch How I Met Your Mother right this minute. All of it. I’ll wait).

And in honor of this magical holiday—and the release of The Muppets on Wednesday—this Monday’s EffThatGuy is dedicated to everyone’s favorite cuddly comedian, the endlessly-lovable Jason Segel.

Jason Segel by a window

OH MY GOD I WANT TO CUDDLE HIM SO HARD.

Jason Segel isn’t really a sex symbol, in the traditional sense. I didn’t really see him for the first time and have an uncontrollable desire to, say, tackle him and bite his neck like a lioness taking down a gazelle. (This is pretty much what happened with Andrew Garfield, who will hopefully never read this.)

But he’s got a sexiness that sneaks up on you. I don’t care how stereotypically female it makes me: I am turned on by talent, sweetness, and sincerity, and Jason’s got the market cornered on all of these. He has admitted in countless interviews that he’s obsessed with puppets, and that his home is full of them. Maybe it’s a testament to his innate adorableness that this comes off as charming rather than creepy.

Shh, don't tell him Kermit's not real. You'll ruin this beautiful moment.

His go-big-or-go-home commitment to his comedy makes for some fantastic characters, who are always hilarious and heartwarming in equal measure. Best of all, these performances tend to be accentuated by the occasional homemade musical number. I strongly suspect that Forgetting Sarah Marshall began as a vehicle for his puppet Dracula musical A Taste for Love. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

He’s also shown on numerous occasions that he has no problem sticking his tongue into other dudes’ mouths, which for me is always a plus (look, don’t judge my weird fascinations and I won’t judge yours, okay?)

    

Get it, Jason.

Even though he’s freaking gigantic at 6’4”, he smiles and he’s suddenly the least intimidating human on the planet. You just want to hug him and bake him cookies, and then marry him and have kids and start a family puppet band inspired by Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

(Plus, we all saw him go full-frontal in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and, well… not bad. At all.)

But this whole Muppet movie thing has really pushed him over the edge of the cuteness threshold into UNBEARABLY PRECIOUS territory. He not only co-wrote the script, but was one of the driving forces behind the entire project. He told Entertainment Weekly that he pitched the idea to Disney back in 2005, and continued to mention it on talk shows as a way to pressure the studio into making a decision:

“I was like, ‘I either want a yes or a no, so I’m just going to announce we’re making a movie and if you guys want to say we’re not, go for it.’ Check.

Basically, he loved the Muppets so much, that for years he made it his surprisingly-aggressive mission to give the world another Muppet movie. He still cares about his childhood dreams, and how can you not love him like crazy for that?!

Oh, Jason Segel. EffThatGuy, for setting my husband standards impossibly high.

And if anyone reading this is a nerdy giant guy who likes puppets and can play the piano, well, you can be the Kermit to my Miss Piggy any day. Except, you know, with less violence and without the creepy interspecies connotations.

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