Oh, NOW I remember why we’ve never hung out…

Like many a recent college grad, I moved back with my parents after getting my Bachelor’s degree. For me, moving back with my parents involved moving halfway across the country and severing ties with pretty much anything or anyone fun. Exactly one of my good friends lives in the same small midwestern town that I do, and I’m separated from all of my other good friends by at least an hour of driving, at most 36 hours of driving. Suffice it to say, I find myself drinking alone on my parents’ couch a lot more than I’d like to admit. So when a guy that I was kinda sorta friends with in high school mentioned that he also lives in the area and was jonesing for someone to hang out with, I jumped at the opportunity. Someone familiar, who has a girlfriend, and is sexually non-threatening? Perfskies!

These are my only friends.

After I shot down his initial offer for me to come over to his house and hang out in his hot tub with him (which really should have been my first clue that this was going nowhere good), he offered to pick me up for drinks. I agreed, and he showed up at my house, right on time at 7pm. He opened the car door for me, and once we got to the bar, proceeded to pay for my Coke (just coke, I’m doing No-Booze November). Even though I was pretty sure this was not a date (HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND) I was starting to feel kind of weird about this. The conversation started out pretty normal. We gossiped about people from high school, caught up on what we’d been doing the past four years, and then he decided to casually throw it out there that his girlfriend wasn’t doing it for him in bed because he really likes women with a bit more on top (women like me, I guess…). It only got worse from there.

There isn't enough money in the world for me to say yes to this.

Now I don’t know about you, but when I’m talking with someone I haven’t seen in four years, no part of me considers bringing up my sexual preferences. Apparently this guy has no such social taboos. In the span of one conversation, he managed to tell me that my boobs were nice, tell me about other girls whose boobs are nice, entice me to go skinny dipping in his hot tub, tell me about other girls who he’s skinny dipped with, offer to LET ME BORROW HIS BUTTPLUG, and mention that he and his girlfriend have sex 10 times a week. Yes, the girlfriend who’s really not doing it for him.  THE MIND BOGGLES.

So, I guess it’s back to drinking alone on my parent’s couch.

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