The Halfway Girlfriend

I like to describe dating as a safari: beautiful, scenic, and scary as fuck if you don’t watch your back, ’cause there’s a motherfucking lion, and oh shit he’s about to pounce! Everybody say a prayer! RIP self confidence, you just got mauled to death.

Wait, so you're not available to date and maybe fall in love with?

You hit it off with a guy. It seems too good to be true. He’s handsome, successful, funny, and STD free! You’re ready to get wifed up, when he drops the halfway gf bomb on you. Or even worse, you stumble on the pile of shit that is the halfway gf by accident, or through word of mouth.

Thanks a lot facebook.

Quick definition of the halfway girlfriend: he’s in an undefinable relationship with someone who isn’t quite his girlfriend, but she definitely prevents him from being actually available.This halfway significant other thing (in my humble opinion) is a way of saying “This city is lonely, I’m lonely, I don’t want to be totally alone, but this bitch ain’t the one I wanna put a ring on. So we’ll do fun couple things like hold hands in central park, take evasive could-be-couple pictures, but when the drinks start flowin, and she’s outta town, I’m still “technically” single!!!”

But what’s fun to you can be dangerous for others. Example: You use this time to hit up that cutie Molly you met at that party, and Molly is stoked cause she thinks you’re finally single! And the morning after you two screw, you tell her you and Larissa “are in a complicated sitch, and don’t really
have a title”. She’ll act totally cool, and tell you it’s fine cause she’s got so many things on her plate right now, and last night was perfect, just what she needed. But you know what, she’s lying. She is gonna bitch to her girlfriends later that night over cheap red wine about how much of a douche you are. She might even cry.

He's such a douche-slut!

There’s not enough people out there calling these halfsie motherfuckers out. You’re either in the dating pool – this filthy, grimy dating pool – with the rest of us or you’re not. This isn’t some only-a-toe-in-the-water shit. Being in a committed relationship, swinging on occasion, or being with someone all the way but having a threesome from time to time is a different story. I don’t know much about that world, but it seems like there is somewhat of an honor system set up with rules and honesty, and none of this “she’s not really my gf “ stuff. My point being, take a stand. Be honest. And more importantly, don’t drag other people through your I’m-young-I-just-wanna-have-fun-so-I’m-gonna-act-like-no-one-has-feelings-and-sleep-my-way-through-the-city garbage. I’m not saying don’t sleep around. I’m not saying don’t have fun. I’m just advocating honesty. As much as possible. We can’t all walk around with halos being all Jim Carrey a la Liar Liar, but we can respect our fellow man by being straight up.

Maybe you shouldn't trust him...

You may be having your cake and eating it too. But you know what? That shit doesn’t last forever, ’cause while Larissa was out of town, she was visiting a potential all-the-way bf and is prob gonna move to Portland to be with him.

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