Gym Apparel: Thoughts from Cardio Row

Hey. What the…? Okay. No. You, over there. Yes, you. In the cute ballet flats, with the Blake Lively half-up and the bangles.

Stop it. Right now. I’m serious.

Don’t get me wrong. You look completely fabulous. That’s the point, the reason, the very root of my grievance today, sweetheart.

We are at the damn gym.

This bitch. "Ah, yeah, just doing some stretches before I read a magazine for an hour and call it a workout."

Gym. The place where New Year’s resolutions come to die and be resurrected. The place where machines need to be wiped down because people work out and sweat all over them. The place where no one looks their best, but they’re all on their way to getting there.

I don’t need you coming in here, dressed like you’re about to go shopping on Rodeo Drive, your hoop earrings swinging all over the place during Zumba… listen. You’re cute. I get it. But can you save it for a time and place where I’m not sweating my entire face off?

Oh. You’re not sweating at all. Cool. Could you at least fake it?

Eff this girl, too. Stop looking good while you sweat.

You don’t understand because you aren’t overweight and you didn’t have to negotiate coming here (“Okay, if I go, at least I can have froyo later…”) and you don’t sound like a freight train breathing after only three minutes of continuous aerobic activity. But try for a minute to see it from my point of view. Here I am, huffing and puffing, perspiring straight through my too-large t-shirt, hair frizzing and flopping in this sad excuse of a pony tail. And I have to look over at you on the Stairmaster with your matte skin and your perfectly smooth wavy hair, and is that mascara? I think I saw that top at Forever 21. What is happening? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS AT THE GYM?

I don’t need to be the best looking person at the gym. I have come to terms with the fact that such an occurrence would be a rarity no matter what. But I do need there to be some rule stating that anyone walking through the door looking like something off a show on Bravo is not permitted to start her workout until going into the locker room and changing into attire that could easily double as pajamas. It can be fitted. It cannot be bedazzled.

You hear me, fit America?

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