EffThatGuy: Christian Bale

He dances (badly). He sings (badly). He growl-talks his way through movies (badly). He runs around naked wielding a chainsaw trying to kill hookers (impeccably). Obvs I’m talking about Christian Bale.

He looks so wholesome!

I want to love him, I really do. The way he crooned about going to go live in Santa Fe because life is better there and then spontaneously starts twirling a lasso in the curiously empty streets of turn of the century New York City simultaneously had me laughing my ass of at the ridiculousness of it all and falling in love with his adolescent innocence (I’m talking about Newsies, of course). But of course he’s a dick about it now and won’t talk about it in interviews because he thinks it’s lame or something? I’m sorry. Newsies is the opposite of lame. It is awesome.

How can you call this lame? This is never lame.

I want to love him because he was in the (totally underrated) movie Equilibrium where he played some sort of cross between Neo from the Matrix and V in V for Vendetta. This (frankly awesome) movie made up a fighting style where he does karate with guns. And he cuts Taye Diggs’ face off. I’m sorry, I don’t know if that sunk in enough for you to fully comprehend the coolness. HE. CUTS. TAYE. DIGGS’. FACE. OFF. But as far as I can tell, he never talks about it in interviews (and here I’m assuming) because he’s ashamed of it because it was a box office flop (probably because he was too ashamed to do any press for it).

All signs point to AWESOME.

I want to love him because American Psycho is one of my favorite movies (even though I don’t really understand it) and anyone who can wax poetic about Whitney Houston and Phil Collins and Huey Louis and the News deserves to be loved.

Hootie and the News?

I always get these guys confused with Hootie and the Blowfish.

But you guys, I just can’t. He’s a beautiful, beautiful douchelord.

So, so beautiful.

I can’t even love him in spite of his douchiness. Because he yells at his mom and his sister in public. Because he thinks he’s entitled to be a douche because he’s a “serious actor” or something. Because he flipped out on a poor lights guy for no apparent reason and only was remorseful because he got caught (even though the autotuned derivatives were hysterical).

So Mr. Bale, get over yourself. You’re not THAT COOL. Just because you abuse your body for the sake of your art doesn’t mean you’re somehow better than those actors who star in romantic comedies.

Okay, maybe not so beautiful after all.

Yeah. Eff that guy.

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