It’s not Gold Digging, it’s Potential Digging

Let’s just cut straight to the chase: choosing a husband is a big deal. This is the rest of your life we’re talking about here. You can’t just choose any guy, even if his philosophies are wicked deep and he wears unnecessary scarves. As you get older, you tend to get more, shall we say “realistic”, and realize that hey, maybe you won’t have a Taylor Swift moment where you and a dreamy boy with good hair lock eyes across the room and then he walks over to you in slow motion and recites beautiful poetry to you.

What is it we call this again? Oh yeah, a unicorn. Thanks for the false hope, Taylor.

Reality check. Time to get smart ladies. Stop messing around with imperfect boys that will ruin your dreams and go for the rich ones that can give you a life of luxury (and are also busy enough to not notice your little rendezvous with the butler). Here are your new goals. Embrace it ladies and stop being such darn feminists. Here we go:

1) Marry the prince of a small, but wealthy European nation.
Do I really have to explain this? Ask around, American women have this crazy obsessive Cinderella complex that Grace Kelly and Kate Middleton just seem to make worse. Pros: Diamonds. Lots of diamonds. Palace. Tiara. Title. Become a historical figure. Servants. Designers fighting over you. I could go on. Cons: No freedom. Crazy in-laws. Traditions. Over the top press. Potentially unattractive royal family.

Decision? Pros outweigh the cons. Tap into your inner Belle (not Bella) and let your things become your friends! You don’t need people friends and family to make you happy! Plus, your good looks are probably well needed in the royal family- you are doing them the favor. Whenever you get tired of looking at your dreary husband, you can look at your diamonds :)

It only took her 7 years.

2) Marry the ambassador to a small, but wealthy European nation.
This is a better option for some ladies because let’s be honest, the list of single and young princes is dwindling. This way, you get an American (yay manly shoulders!) but you also get the perks of royalty. Pros: American husband. Huge palace. Servants. Diamonds. Lots of diamonds. Ritzy European lifestyle. Cons: No actual title. Limited time in the position. Politics? Bleh!

Decision? Cons outweigh the pros on this one. Mainly because to become an ambassador, you pretty much have to be BFFs with the president and who knows if your hubby will be besties with the future president? Furthermore, what if he gets placed in a sucky country? And he’ll only be ambassador for a short time. That’s a lot of variables we’re dealing with…. Not a bad option though, keep it in mind.

This is the dream, ladies.

3) Marry a citizen of a small, but wealthy European nation.
Do you see a theme? He’ll have all that old world charm and wherever you live, it will be fancy simply because it’s in a small, but wealthy European nation. Your friends will be jealous and will think you’re cooler than you are. Pros: Charming accent. Bragging rights. Travel to other small, but wealthy European nations. Your babies will be half European. Cons: Your husband may be wimpy (no strong American shoulders). Language differences.

Decision? Go for it. Those accents are seriously adorable and European middle class is better than American middle class. Feel free to quote me on that.

4) Marry a Kennedy.
Nothing says American royalty like the Kennedy last name. The wealth, prestige, style, and grace of Kennedy women is hard to ignore. Of course, the uncanny rate of fatal disasters in the family is also hard to ignore. Ya scratch this one. My bad.

But the clothes...and the diamonds. Ugh.

5) Marry an engineer
Seriously. They’re all over the place. Walk into an engineering class at a local university and you will see one girl for every 15 guys. And she doesn’t shower daily. So trust me when I say it will not be hard to snag one. Pros: Diamonds. Lots of diamonds. An adoring husband (he’s just happy to see a girl). Sweet freedom (he’ll work a lot). Cons: He could be awkward. No palace, tiara, or title :( You might actually like the guy.

Decision: pretty split here. I would try one through three first (def not 4) and see how it goes. Feel free to substitute “engineer” for “doctor” or “dentist” or “lawyer”. And if all else fails, marry the guy with wicked deep philosophies and the unnecessary scarf.

Between your dreams of marrying for love and your dreams of being satisfied with a small, simple home with a man who loves you, I just want to throw an expensive vase at you and tell you to aim higher. That’s my gold digging potential digging advice of the day.

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