Now that the world is coming to an end in about a week, I figured it was high time I get together a list of those things that I absolutely need to do before I meet my maker on the 21st. A lot of people are making lists of all the kind and benevolent things they would do before we all cease to exist, but I’m just saying, if the world is ending, none of that stuff matters. So I’m going to do exactly what I want. Below are the top five things that I’ll be experiencing before the end of times, benevolence be damned.
1) Choose what to be for Halloween. Those of you who read my post on the agony of not trick-or-treating as a kid know how seriously I’m taking my first opportunity to go all out in the costume department. I WILL NOT BE ROBBED OF THIS. So first things first, I’m choosing a costume, and rocking that every day for the next week. Having the costume will come in handy, since my next to do on the list is…
2) Rob someone who lives in Gramercy Park. If you live in New York, Manhattan especially, then you are familiar with Gramercy – that quaint little square with closed off traffic and a private park. The kind of park you need a KEY to get into. In New York City. If this doesn’t scream “rolling in the dough” to you, then I don’t know what will. I was going to just rob anyone, but The Pumpkin is a kind, kind soul, who only wanted those who we really don’t give a shit about to suffer. The wealthy fall squarely under this umbrella so I’m robbing one of you fools this week. Brace yourself.
After rounding up a nice stack of change from an old white lady (or a young one, I don’t give a f%^#) I’ll be heading to a local bar to drink away my revelation-related problems, but more importantly I’ll be heading to that bar to…
3) Get into a bar fight. I’m talking about a no-holds-barred, bottle smashing over the head, dragging people down the bar by the scruff of their flannel shirt bar fight. I’ll be the first to acknowledge that I’m a girl of questionable strength and probably can’t carry this out completely, but I will smash a bottle over someone’s head to start it and, in the middle of the fray, put out a cigarette on someone’s skin. That last part is gross, but it’s a bar fight and I want to commit. I’ll also throw a chair through a window at some point. Leaving that bar all boozed up (probably in broad daylight) I’ll move onto my next mission,
4) Feeling up a total stranger. I know, I know, this one seems totally pervy. But once again, none of this is going to matter after this Friday, I won’t even get Saturday night for a more appropriate setting in which to do this. So I’m just going to have to make do. This is not at all a problem, as there are attractive men all over the place in New York City. Whether or not they’re straight will not be of much concern to me so I win either way.
The important thing to remember is that because I can’t bring anything with me, all of my actions should provide some deep level of Freudian satisfaction. So on that note I come to my final act before the rapture,
5) Stealing a baby. Anyone who knows me can tell you I freaking love babies. They kind of scare me because I’m scared I’ll do something to break them, but every time I see a cute baby I have to physically restrain myself from attempting to kidnap it and raise it as my own. Maybe it’s the chubby cheeks or the fat fists, I don’t know. What I do know is that about 24 hours after I steal that baby we’ll all be dead anyway so I’m not really causing very much harm. I’m trying not to think about the mother here.
Anyways, I’ll grab the cutest baby I can find, maybe two, and just watch T.V. with them until it’s all over. We’ll do fun baby things and they’ll be like human teddy bears. Of course if it doesn’t end up being the end of the world I will be totally screwed as to how to give these babies back, because I obviously don’t actually want kids right now.
So those are the top five things on my delinquent bucket list; what kind of debauchery will you be getting up to this week in preparation for the second coming?
Sidenote: I know I missed the obvious choice of killing someone, but I felt like that would be more trouble than it’s worth, what with me being not all that strong or resourceful.