IN A WORLD where inspiration is long dead…

We all love a good remake, I suppose. Karate Kid? Surprisingly poignant. True Grit? Pretty insanely badass—because everyone knows that even The Duke isn’t cooler than The Dude.

But sometimes, enough is enough. Sometimes there is literally no point, and the only question we’re left asking ourselves is…

              

WHY?????????

Look at this. It looks like a Step Up sequel.

I mean who does this Kenny Wormald kid think he is, with his youthful handsomeness and his fancy dancing experience? This is Kevin Bacon’s iconic role. Bacon has the edge, the weird-but-charming nose, and the much more appetizing-sounding name (I mean, come on. WORMALD?) How is this kid going to angry-dance across a warehouse without looking ridiculous?

NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER, is the answer.

Additionally, this movie promises to add insult to injury (and more money to the coffers of unoriginal artists) by covering all of the beloved music in the original, including “Let’s Hear It for the Boy” and “Holding Out for a Hero.” I’m sorry, Ella Mae Bowen; I don’t really know who you are, but I will be very surprised if you can shove as much gravely-voiced awesomeness into a song as Bonnie Tyler can, is all I’m saying.

The 80s have a very special nostalgic flavor, even for those of us who were just babies at the time. Messing with them is a very dangerous proposition, and if you’re going to do it, then you had better make sure you have something new to bring to the table. The original is fun and light, for the most part, but it has real depth and intensity at times, especially when dealing with the relationship between the reverend and his daughter. If the remake fails to bring out that same intensity, it’s just going to be another dumb dance movie with a plot that never really made sense in the first place (a whole town demonizing dancing because of a car wreck? Really?)

"I lost my whole family to the Jitterbug Tragedy of '78."

I’m probably going to give this one a chance when it comes out tomorrow (because first impressions are not always right, after all, and I don’t want to be as closed-minded as Reverend Shaw Moore). But, if it ends up following the oft-used remake formula of subtracting the subtlety and adding a Top 40 soundtrack and a bucket of sex appeal, then I will not be shocked.

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