Jude Law is a problem for me, and here’s why: he seems like a prime, class-A, unadulterated mega-douche.
Perhaps that’s not a fair thing to say about poor Mr. Law. What do I know about him, really? Not much, except that every single rumor that exists about his love life makes him seem like some kind of insidious pretty-eyed cross between a smug, irresponsible frat boy and Valmont from Dangerous Liaisons.
But my aversion has more to do with his bearing than anything else—his attitude, his expressions, his general douche-like manner. Or maybe it’s the way he’s always playing douchey roles, going for the bad-boy-with-the-heart-of-gold attraction (which, in fairness, actually seems to work for at least half of the ovary-owning population). Maybe it’s the fact that he used to dye the ends of his carefully-tousled spikes.
All of this would not be such a problem, however, if not for one cataclysmic event in 2009. The earth shook, the poles shifted, and even the most eternal truths became uncertain. A paradox had been introduced to our reality: a paradox called Doctor John Watson.
What was it, exactly, about Jude Law in this movie that made me want to play doctor with him? It’s a complete mystery! It could have been the mustache throwing me for a loop, but I normally hate facial hair. Could have been the nifty cane that doubled as a stick to hit bad guys with, but it’s not like limps are inherently sexy.
Perhaps it was the stiff-upper-lip Victorian manliness, or the automatic awesomeness of a 19th-century wardrobe (waistcoats! gloves! fabulous hats to cover that sinister-looking widow’s peak he’s got going on!). The quiet competence he exhibited in this role was irresistible, especially when contrasted with his natural LOOK AT ME I’M JUDE LAW state of obtrusive attractiveness.
And of course, it could just be the fact that scientifically speaking, a man becomes 425% more desirable when he is seen to be bromancing all over another man:
I mean look at that smile. A man who loves RDJ even more than I do can’t be all bad, right?
And so, tragically, I can no longer dismiss Jude Law as a douche, because I love Doctor Watson with all of my heart. And with Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows releasing this winter, this embarrassing condition is sure to worsen.