EffThatGuy: Jude Law

Jude Law is a problem for me, and here’s why: he seems like a prime, class-A, unadulterated mega-douche.

Jude Law the Mega-Douche

"I'm so ridiculously good-looking that I can wear this bow tie un-ironically."

Perhaps that’s not a fair thing to say about poor Mr. Law. What do I know about him, really? Not much, except that every single rumor that exists about his love life makes him seem like some kind of insidious pretty-eyed cross between a smug, irresponsible frat boy and Valmont from Dangerous Liaisons.

But my aversion has more to do with his bearing than anything else—his attitude, his expressions, his general douche-like manner. Or maybe it’s the way he’s always playing douchey roles, going for the bad-boy-with-the-heart-of-gold attraction (which, in fairness, actually seems to work for at least half of the ovary-owning population). Maybe it’s the fact that he used to dye the ends of his carefully-tousled spikes.

Jude Law's Hair

I don't know why, but this hair is inherently douche-like.

All of this would not be such a problem, however, if not for one cataclysmic event in 2009. The earth shook, the poles shifted, and even the most eternal truths became uncertain. A paradox had been introduced to our reality: a paradox called Doctor John Watson.

Jude Law as Doctor Watson

The doctor will see you now.

What was it, exactly, about Jude Law in this movie that made me want to play doctor with him? It’s a complete mystery! It could have been the mustache throwing me for a loop, but I normally hate facial hair. Could have been the nifty cane that doubled as a stick to hit bad guys with, but it’s not like limps are inherently sexy.

Perhaps it was the stiff-upper-lip Victorian manliness, or the automatic awesomeness of a 19th-century wardrobe (waistcoats! gloves! fabulous hats to cover that sinister-looking widow’s peak he’s got going on!). The quiet competence he exhibited in this role was irresistible, especially when contrasted with his natural LOOK AT ME I’M JUDE LAW state of obtrusive attractiveness.

And of course, it could just be the fact that scientifically speaking, a man becomes 425% more desirable when he is seen to be bromancing all over another man:

The Bromance of Jude Law and Robert Downey, Jr.

Just kiss him, already.

I mean look at that smile. A man who loves RDJ even more than I do can’t be all bad, right?

And so, tragically, I can no longer dismiss Jude Law as a douche, because I love Doctor Watson with all of my heart. And with Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows releasing this winter, this embarrassing condition is sure to worsen.

Seriously. EffThatGuy.

5 comments
  1. dolorescraeg said:

    unlike you i have always admired jude. i’ve had the pleasure of meeting him three times and i have to tell you you absolutely have the wrong impression of mr. law. he is the sweetest, most unassuming guy. he’s so interested when you’re speaking with him…sometimes i get the feeling he doesn’t even know he’s a movie star. funny how people feel they know someone when they have no idea what the real person is like. i assure you that if you ever met him you’d say….what was i thinking….oh and by the way. he is really beautiful in person….

    • The Pumpkin said:

      lol I’m sure you’re right! I probably didn’t make this clear enough, but I’m well aware that my impression of Jude is a bit baseless. It’s just a feeling I get that I can’t fully justify. And of course it has much more to do with his public persona than who he ACTUALLY is :)

  2. Oh my god, I love Jude and have for a long time. I don’t see anything douchey about him at all. In fact, I think he’s very understated, polite, and respectful when I’ve watched his interviews. On the other hand, I saw one of RDJs old films the other day, and although I like him now, he could have easily won the douche award in my book. It was some god-awful thing with Michael Anthony Hall, can’t even remember the name. Ick. Anyway, there are many films I love Jude in….Cold Mountain, AI, Closer, The Holiday – there’s not one I don’t like. I agree with you about his Watson, though, it’s something very special.

    Just for the record, his personal life has been wildly overblown. When he cheated with the nanny, it’s widely known that he tried to get Sienna to stay with him but she instead chose to go to LA and party and sit on men’s laps. If your girlfriend chooses to behave like a party blow-up doll instead of stay with you, maybe the nanny doesn’t look so bad. Sienna certainly chose to do her own thing. She’s proven her true worth, which is not worthy of sympathy. So, shit happens.

    • The Pumpkin said:

      Oh, don’t worry. This is mostly exaggeration. I know we never get an accurate picture of celebs’ personal lives. And we shouldn’t, because that stuff is personal! Anything I say about Jude Law is just a (likely unfair) impression I get, and it has nothing at all to do with who he actually could be as a person.

  3. dolorescraeg said:

    pumpkin,
    i’m glad that you see my point. i spent some time with jude after the performance of anna christie at the donmar in london 4 weeks ago. i have to laugh when i think that people who believe the tabloids think they know someone. ….my sense is that he wants to please, is very bright and reminds me of an enthusiastic college boy. he is so animated and caring that you become enveloped in his charming charisma…..douche bag is as far away as you can get from the real persona of this man.

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